It was during that same time that my youngest sister was going through Cancer treatments. She and I messaged back and forth over the weeks, and I relied on her wisdom as I navigated both the health system and my thoughts and feelings. She was, unfortunately, familiar with this world (not only from her current stint with Breast Cancer, but also after having undergone Cancer treatments 15 years earlier, for Lymphoma).

At the time, I wrote in my journal, "I feel like my brain is moving slowly & I can't focus on much for very long. I find myself checking out, then attempting to "check back in", to process whatever thoughts and feelings I may have been trying to avoid while checked out. Instead, I just feel numb and can't figure out what those feelings are."

That was the first Fall in this house and this is the third. Each time we get to this time of year, I remember that time: walking through the backyard, feeling things move slowly, and wondering if my life was about to change. I took a photo of my shadow to remember that moment and the strangeness of the sunny warm day, the beautiful Fall colours, and the slow motion time of waiting and worrying.

The wait ended, the worrying ended, and every year when it's sunny and warm and the Fall colours have emerged, I'm thankful my life didn't change.